


tell me you don't want me

by antijosh



Series: less talk, more love [1]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Porn With Plot, but not quite canon, idolverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-08-29 14:30:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16745764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antijosh/pseuds/antijosh
Summary: trainee life is hard enough when you get along with your bandmates, but leave it to brian to make an enemy of one of his. a really, really hot enemy. brian is so fucked.





	1. silence is golden (you've got my hopes up)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic has been a wip for the past six months and i've been putting it off in favor of other works but man,,,,i love her a lot pls be gentle w my monster fic baby ;; special thanks to mia, who was the first person who had to hear about this, to rosa for her beta services and for the encouragement, and to chien for all of the excitement that was so motivating!! love y'all mwah

JYP brings three singers from Kpop Star Season 1 back to the company: two pretty girls and one tall, gangly guy with one of the sweetest voices Brian’s ever heard. He’s kind of enamored, but that’s before everything goes to shit.

Thing is, Brian’s used to being JYP’s golden boy. He’s gotten nice and comfy in his place of favor with the boss, preens when the older man compliments his sweet voice, how well he plays the guitar. He doesn’t stress over every evaluation like Wonpil does, just does his best and receives the praise and feedback he expects. And then Park Jaehyung happens. 

Standing next to Jaehyung (“Just call me Jae.” Brian refuses.), Brian is adequate at best. Jaehyung is taller, thinner, speaks better English, plays the guitar better, has a sweeter voice. The only things Brian has going for him anymore are his rapping and the fact that his Korean is way better than Jaehyung’s (for obvious reasons), but Jaehyung’s a quick study and he’s creeping up on those talents fast.

JYP starts dosing out criticisms more than compliments as he prepares them for debut: their name is 5Live, and Brian’s been relegated to bass because “Jaehyung doesn’t know how to play the bass.” Brian doesn’t really know how to either, but that doesn’t seem to matter much. It’s sad, really, how he grows to hate the instrument. There’s nothing wrong with the bass, but it feels like a foreign weight hanging off his shoulder, a consolation prize. 

Brian could probably deal with his jealousy if Jaehyung wasn’t so goddamn _close_. He has to swallow the knot built up in his throat when Jaehyung moves in and is immediately directed to the room that Brian shares with a few other trainees. Worse yet, he takes the bed above Brian’s. Brian considers himself a diplomatic person, good at getting along with people he doesn’t necessarily like, but doing so when they sleep a few feet above you every night is exceedingly difficult.

Still, he’s prepared to deal with his shit in silence, to swallow it all down and put on a friendly face because he doesn’t need one more obstacle in the way of their debut, but Jaehyung doesn’t let that happen. Where Brian would rather just let little shit go, or work things through calmly, Jaehyung’s got a my way or the highway attitude and the loud voice to match, which brings them to where they are now.

“If you would just _listen for one goddamn second_.” Brian’s trying to keep it together, he really is.

“No I won’t listen, because your chord progression is crap and you know it, you just don’t want to admit that anything I come up with is good,” Jaehyung bites back, not bothering to look up from the guitar in his lap. 

“Fine, yours isn’t bad, it just sounds like every progression in every pop rock song ever made,” Brian replies, fighting the urge to stick his tongue out afterwards. Jaehyung already thinks a year and some change is reason enough to treat Brian like a toddler, he doesn’t need to strengthen the case. 

Tensions have risen dramatically since their debut was postponed, Sungjin back on guitar as JYP searches for a drummer to round them out. In the meantime, the five of them have been tasked with coming up with a song good enough to debut with. So far, they’ve had no luck. 

“Knock it off, both of you,” Sungjin snaps, and at the same time one of the strings on Jaehyung’s guitar gives into the pressure. Jaehyung curses, bringing his thumb up to his mouth to quickly staunch the bleeding from where the string struck his skin. 

"Take a break," Sungjin says, and it's not a request. "Go get some coffee or something from downstairs, we can keep going later when you two are done comparing dicks or whatever it is that you're doing."

Jaehyung huffs, picking up his guitar and moving off to the side so he can restring it. Brian complies with Sungjin's order, gently leaning his bass up in the corner before standing, brushing past both of his hyungs to get out of the room without a word. His sneakers squeak against the tile in the hallway, heavy footsteps echoing through the empty stretch of blank white walls. The company is dead at this hour, the old analog clock ticking closer and closer to four in the morning. Most trainees and employees have gone home, and those that are still here are shut up in studios, keeping the hallways all the way down to the ground floor empty. It's good--it means Brian can make his way to the shitty coffee vending machine and brood without interruption.

The machine makes a sort of pathetic noise as it sputters out overly sweet caramel flavored coffee into a paper cup. Brian leans against the wall to drink it, tired of sitting in the same stiff chair for hours on end. Soon enough though, the ache creeps into his ankles, and he presses his back to the wall as he slides down to rest on the tile.

"Rough night?" Brian doesn't have to raise his head to know who the voice belongs to but he does anyway, free hand raising in a sort of mock salute as Jaebum comes to stand in front of him, hands jammed into the pockets of his jeans.

"Nothing's working, as usual," Brian replies, and Jaebum hums.

"Fighting with Jaehyung hyung again?"

"When are we not?"

"Fair enough," Jaebum laughs, voice low and hoarse. He's been pushing himself lately with vocal training, Brian knows, preparing for debut with a group soon. Brian's always been a bit jealous of Jaebum, though he knows it's not logical. Of course Jaebum debuted first, he's been training for years longer than Brian, but their barely month long age gap just serves to rub in Brian's face how far behind he feels.

"You come down here for coffee?" Not that he's trying to drive Jaebum away, but Brian just kind of wants his space.

"I certainly didn't walk all the way down here just to see your sorry ass," Jaebum jokes.

Brian watches as he drops his coins into the slot, punching in the number code for vanilla latte and rocking back on his heels as the machine churns out another cup of what Brian's sure is truly terrible coffee. Jaebum drinks it like it's life saving though, down in one go and crushing the cup afterwards.

Brian snorts. "Someone's desperate."

"You're not the only one with member problems, my friend." Brian winces, thinking of Jaebum's strained relationship with some of the other trainees. "Anyway. Good luck with hyung. Try not to kill him."

"I'll do my best," Brian replies, tone more sober than he intends.

Brian stays on the floor long after Jaebum's wandered back to his own practice room. Eventually his phone buzzes in his pocket, a call from Sungjin that he knows would be suicide to ignore. Pushing himself up, he squares his shoulders before heading for the stairs. They're not going to make it out of this building with a song, and Brian knows this. He'll just be happy if they can make it back to the dorm without a screaming match.

+

Days pass in this frustrating rhythm; they get up, go to write, argue, go home. Wash, rinse, repeat. None of their songs have been approved yet, just given back to them with pages of notes on everything they did wrong, everything they need to do better. Brian gets notes on how his lyrics are “generic” and “average” which is fitting, considering that’s how he’s felt for the past two years. 

They get a drummer, and things improve. Dowoon’s a cute kid, the kind of dongsaeng Brian was hoping for in Wonpil but didn’t really get. If he clings to Dowoon, he can avoid Jae and Sungjin, which are his two main sources of stress. Till now, Wonpil’s been doing his best to diffuse but even he shrinks under the weight of Sungjin’s eyes. 

Still, Brian finds himself escaping the studio whenever he can, desperate to put as much space between him and the rest of the group as possible. Today, he’s wandering down the halls fairly aimlessly: Sungjin says they don’t have to meet again till 2 p.m., so Brian’s taking his time. 

"Brian oppa!" Brian turns, and he can't hide his surprise when he sees that it's Jimin, one of Jaehyung's fellow contestants from Kpop Star. It's rare to see her without Chan and BamBam—the '97 liners all hang out together, though she's always seemed to gravitate more towards the guys than other female trainees and artists. "You have time to eat?" she asks, switching to English as she quickly catches up to Brian, heels clicking against the floor almost menacingly. "I've been meaning to talk to you."

"Sure." Brian shrugs. He's always got time to eat. Besides, the longer he puts off returning to practice, the better.

They don't go far, just a small café down the street from the company. Brian's got on a hat and a mask, but Jimin doesn't bother to hide her identity. Ironic, Brian thinks, that he as a trainee has been instructed to keep himself hidden but the debuted idol can go about her business without a care in the world.

"So," she starts as soon as they sit down with their food, not even giving Brian a chance to open conversation (not that he would have anyway). "What's up with you and Jae oppa?"

Brian chokes before he even takes a bite of his sandwich. "What does that even mean?"

"Like. Are you two a thing? Because everyone keeps talking about how you keep them up all night in the dorm and I've seen you guys argue, it looks more like grade school pigtail pulling than anything else. But no one can give me a straight answer and I know if I ask Jae oppa he'll have a tantrum, so." She shrugs. "I'm asking you."

"We're not a thing," Brian sputters. "I'm not—he's not—"

"Gay?" Jimin finishes. Brian takes a deep breath; this is not something that should be talked about, not here. If he could barely force the words out in Canada, there's no way he can do it here. And Jaehyung—Brian supposes he's never thought about it. He just assumed, from the way Jaehyung talked about girls, told them about the girl he'd broken up with before coming to Korea. Then again, Brian supposes that doesn't mean that much. He's dated plenty of girls, and he's still—well, he's still who he is.

"Yeah, that."

Jimin nods, and Brian can't tell if she's dissatisfied, disbelieving, or both. "So what, you just hate each other?"

Brian hesitates to answer. He knows they're close—competing on the same survival show can do that to people. His reasons for not getting along with Jaehyung have their roots in pettiness and insecurity, which he would rather not have revealed to the man in question.

"Something like that." Brian shrugs. "We just don't get along, it's not a big deal. I'm sure plenty of idols don't get along with some of their members."

"Well yeah, but they're probably not bickering constantly, loudly, and publicly like the two of you do," she replies. With the way Jimin's legs are crossed, back straight and chin resting on her knuckles, it's easy for Brian to forget that she's four years younger. She just comes across like she knows what she's doing and what she wants, whereas Brian feels like he's scrambling to keep his whole life from crashing down around him.

“It’s fine. We’re dealing with it,” Brian huffs, and Jimin just sort of eyes him. “We’re fine,” he repeats. Brian really wishes he could believe that himself. 

+

Brian has to concede on a lot of things, but what breaks his resolve the most is conceding on names. Everyone follows Jaehyung’s lead, calling him Brian or Bri-hyung (or if you’re Sungjin, Kang Bra). Brian used to like the name, was proud of the fact that he picked it himself, but the way it sounds coming out of Jaehyung’s mouth makes his stomach flip. But he concedes, lets it happen because it’s easier. In the same way, he concedes on Jaehyung’s name, shortening it to Jae because everyone else does, and Brian doesn’t want to be weird about it. It feels too comfortable, but he supposed there’s nothing to be done about it now.

+

Brian's not expecting it, when it happens. It's just him and Jae left in the studio, the clock ticking past three in the morning. The others have long gone home to get a few hours of sleep before their schedule tomorrow, but Jae insisted on practicing his guitar solo again and Brian needs to write lyrics somewhere—the studio is as good a place as any. Besides, he likes the sound of Jae's guitar, likes how it's become something akin to white noise after so many hours of hearing it.

Brian's got his back propped up against the wall, notebook on his knees in front of him as he taps his pen to the paper, absentmindedly matching the rhythm to what Jae's playing. Then the music stops with a frustrated grunt, and Brian looks up.

Jae's staring down at the fretboard like it did something to personally offend him, lips pursed and eyebrows scrunched together. Brian kinda wants to kiss that look off of his face.

It takes him a second to realize that that thought shouldn't be normal, shouldn't be something he should just accept. It should feel weird to think about, intrusive in a way. But it doesn't. It feels right.

“You about done for the night?” Jae asks, face relaxing as he looks up at Brian. “I’m tired of this shit.”

Brian doesn’t really know how to answer—he’s not sure he remembers how to speak right now. He’s sure he must look moonstruck, but really, talking is a lot to ask of a guy who just realized he wants to kiss his rival and bandmate. 

“Dude, you good?” Jae snorts. “I think you need some sleep.”

“Or just more coffee,” Brian jokes weakly, finally forcing his mouth to move despite the dryness. 

“You can stay here by yourself then,” Jae replies, moving to pack up his guitar. “I’m going home.”

“I’ll come, I’ll come.” Brian scrambles to his feet a little faster than is maybe necessary, and Jae notices.

“Relax, I won’t leave you behind. Don’t want you crying to Sungjin about how mean I am.” 

Brian doesn’t have a good reply for that—he doesn’t have any reply for that. Instead he stands by the door, scrolling through his news feed while Jae finishes getting everything packed up. He can’t stop his eyes, though—they keep wandering away from his screen and back to Jae. Whom he still very much would like to kiss. Yeah. That’s a problem for tomorrow Brian. 

+

Being busy helps Brian to not think about that night in the practice room and its revelations, but it’s a double edged sword—he’s exhausted, constantly, a bone deep tiredness that never goes away. Still, that night never leaves him completely alone, sneaking its way in during the few moments of down time that Brian has. And of course, being around Jae all the time, every day—that helps nothing. Coming to terms with the fact that he has _feelings_ was inevitable from the start, and Brian does his best to just accept that and move on. 

Finally, he has one night off; Jae went out to eat with some of his Kpop Star friends, Wonpil is hanging out with some of the GOT7 kids, and Sungjin and Dowoon went home for a short two day vacation. Technically, they all were given time off with the intention that they’d go see their families, but Jae’s and Brian’s are too far for two days to do any good. It’s not home, but Brian still appreciates the time off that he can spend in a mostly quiet and empty dorm. 

It's like some of the tension melts from Brian's shoulders as soon as the bathroom door locks behind him. Honestly, with six guys crammed into their tiny apartment, the bathroom is the only place he has any semblance of privacy and peace. He's safe in here, away from Jae's grating presence and Sungjin's knowing eyes.

Brian doesn't bother to turn the fan on, allowing the steam from the running water to fog up the mirrors as he tugs his shirt over his head, ditching his pants and boxers shortly after. Stepping into the shower, he lets his eyes flutter shut as the spray hits the tightly wound muscles in his shoulders and upper back. He's been on edge all damn week, and it's one of the greatest reliefs he's ever felt to be completely alone.

Tipping his head back, Brian lets the water soak into his hair, running a hand through it to get it off of his face. It's long enough now that it falls into his eyes and is a general nuisance, but he's been given strict instructions to not cut it and Brian is nothing if not a rule follower.

His hand naturally finds its way to his chest, resting on the left side just beneath his collarbone. Brian takes slow, deep breaths, feeling his heart rate slow with time. Still, he's not as relaxed as he'd like to be.

Well. There's a solution for that.

It's not difficult for him to close his eyes again and reach deep into the spank bank, right hand moving south to do its job and help get him hard. He doesn't focus on anything in particular, jumping from thought to thought in search of one worth sticking to. This portion of his brain is full of nameless, faceless guys and girls: their legs, their asses, their mouths, their tongues. They come in flashes, and it's almost like he pays them no mind till there's one he recognizes. A mouth: full, heart shaped lips, pale skin, tongue peeking out between the teeth. Unmistakably Jae's mouth.

He tries to forget it and move on but fails, although he admittedly doesn't try very hard. It just _works_ for him, in a way that pisses Brian off and makes him feel dirty at the same time. He shouldn't be thinking about his roommate's mouth when he's got a hand around his dick, and yet. Here he is.

At least he's already accepted the fact that he's attracted to Jae, Brian thinks bitterly. If he hadn't, this would have been a very rude awakening.

The slide of his hand isn't as smooth as he would like, and Brian takes a tentative peek outside the curtain for something he can use (the lube he has stashed is hidden under his bed and something tells him body wash could get very dangerous very fast). Thankfully, he spots something quickly: lotion, teetering dangerously close to the edge of the counter and all too easy for him to grab.

Things get much better after that. Brian can go back to closing his eyes, guilt fading further and further away with every stroke. The mental images get more and more detailed as he goes: Jae on his knees in front of Brian, Jae with the head of Brian's cock in his mouth, looking up at him through his eyelashes. Brian thinks about Jae's legs, the long expanse of his torso that's gone pale from being shut up in the studio and away from the sun for months. He thinks about Jae's hands, his wide palms and long fingers that would look so good against Brian's skin or wrapped around Brian's dick.

It takes him almost an embarrassingly short amount of time to get close, teeth sinking into his bottom lip to stave off the tug in his stomach for as long as he can. Brian keeps returning to the thought of Jae’s mouth around him, how good it would feel and how beautiful the view would be, and that’s what finally sends him crashing over the edge. He braces his free hand against the tile to steady himself, taking a few slow, deep breaths as he works his hand over his cock until it starts to soften. 

Eventually he straightens, turning to face the now lukewarm spray so he can wash his hand, rinsing the tile behind him until all the evidence has been washed down the drain. Brian tries his best to not think about what he just did, focusing instead on going through the motions of shampooing his hair and letting the water wash over his head until every trace of product is long gone. 

The shower’s gone cold by the time he turns the water off, wrapping a towel around his waist so he can walk back to his room in relative safety. Their room, he corrects himself. There’s a moment where Brian pauses outside the door, bracing himself for the possibility of walking into the bedroom and having to face the person he just got off thinking about. The guilt has been slowly creeping back all the while, until now all he feels is shame instead of the stress relief he was going for. 

Brian feels the need to say a quick thank you to the universe when he pushes the door open to reveal an empty room. He doesn’t know where Jae is at this point and he doesn’t particularly care—just hopes it’s far, far away from here. He gets dressed as quickly as he can, not bothering to towel off his hair completely and just letting it drip on to the collar of his tee shirt and eventually on to his pillow when he climbs into his bunk.

Throwing an arm over his face so his eyes are hidden behind his elbow, Brian heaves a deep sigh. Logically, he knows some of the heavy gross feeling he has is due to societal conditioning and good old fashioned internalized homophobia. Still, he can’t reason his way out of the remaining shame at jerking off thinking about his roommate, especially when said roommate hates him. It’s pathetic, in a way. Brian can’t deny his attraction to Jae, that he _likes_ Jae, but he also has to reconcile with the fact that he wants someone who hates his guts.

Jamming his headphones into his ears, Brian puts on some Panic and squeezes his eyes shut, forcing his brain to focus on the lyrics instead of the chorus in his head telling him that everything he’s doing is _wrongwrongwrong_. He falls asleep like this, luckily before Jae’s return. At least the universe gave him one nice thing. 

+

“What’s up with you?” Jaebum’s voice cuts through the repetitive chords Brian’s strumming, attention long gone from the task at hand. They’re in between proper lessons, just the two of them sitting in one of the smaller studios as Brian plucks out the same melody over and over while Jaebum mixes one of his songs on his laptop.

“Nothing,” Brian denies quickly, but the look Jaebum shoots him over the top of his laptop makes him reconsider. Jaebum isn’t one to force out a confession, but he’s also one of the best listeners in the whole damn company. Hell, he might even have something to offer. “Have you ever liked someone in the company?” Brian blurts, almost surprising himself. 

Jaebum looks taken aback for only a half second before his face relaxes again, turning to one of concern. “No, I haven’t. Is that what’s been stressing you out so much lately?”

Brian responds with a wordless nod. 

“Do you think—I mean, is she interested in you too?”

Jaebum has only the best of intentions, but Brian still flinches. Then, he makes a decision.

“No, I don’t think _he_ is.”

“He,” Jaebum repeats, like he’s rolling the word over his tongue. “You’re—“

“Bi,” Brian finishes before Jaebum has a chance to finish his question. “I like girls, guys, everyone. But specifically this guy.”

“This guy that’s in our company.” 

Brian can’t even bring himself to look at Jaebum, heat flooding his face and burning down to his fingertips. He can feel sweat starting to prick beneath his skin; this is the first time he’s said it out loud since sophomore year, in his freezing cold basement with Terry as they huddled together under one blanket. It was easier, then. It’s easier to confess to something in the abstract, when there’s nothing to show for it. 

Now, it feels a little too real.

“Well,” Jaebum says, cutting through the silence and sending blood rushing to Brian’s ears once again. “How catastrophic are we talking? Is he an idol or trainee or is he in a different department? How much do you like him?”

Brian looks up, finally. Jaebum’s set his laptop aside, hands folded in his lap as he leans forward, lips pursed. He’s—he’s invested. He cares. He knows Brian’s gay and he still cares. 

“So catastrophic,” he answers. “So, so bad.”

“He’s in your group isn’t he?” Sometimes Brian forgets that Jaebum can read him like a book. 

There’s no point in lying, so Brian doesn’t. “Yeah.”

Jaebum doesn’t pry any further than that, but he can’t hide the sort of sad smile that crosses his face, which lets Brian know he’s probably guessed who it is. He’s probably right. 

There’s not much to be said after that. Jaebum hums quietly, before saying, “Well if you ever want to talk, you know I’m here.”

“Yeah,” Brian repeats, softer this time. 

And that’s that. 

+

There are nights when Brian feels like he’s in a fishbowl, looking at everyone around him together through some sort of distorted lense while he is very distinctly separate, and tonight is one of them. Somehow, the trainees (and some not trainees) decided that they needed to go out and let off some steam, and Brian got dragged along. It’s the usual crowd: Jaebum, Jinyoung, Sungjin, Jackson, Wonpil, Dowoon, Mark, and of course, Jae. Jinyoung practically forced his way into their dorm earlier, pulling Brian out of bed and pushing him into the bathroom so he could pick out an outfit. Brian can’t say anything about his taste in clothes though—left out on his bed for him was a nice black button up and dark jeans that he never has the energy to put on because they’re so damn tight. 

Brian follows the pack of his friends down the side street, ducking beneath drooping awnings as they head for a place Jinyoung swears is safe for them (whatever that means). As much as he tries to avoid it, he can’t help but watch the rhythmic movement of Jae’s shoulders as he walks, leather jacket hanging off them in a way that makes Brian itch to see underneath. He’s too busy chattering with Jackson to notice Brian looking at him, which is for the best. Eventually they reach their destination, Jinyoung leading them down narrow concrete steps and into a dark bar with pounding music and a packed dance floor. It’s not the kind of place he’s very comfortable being, but it’s too late to go back now.

Brian sticks close to Jaebum as their group splinters, the two of them heading for the bar. Jaebum doesn’t say anything to acknowledge Brian’s presence, but he orders two beers and passes one to Brian as soon as they’re in his hands. 

“Thanks,” Brian says, his voice just barely a smudge against the surrounding noise. Jaebum understands though, nodding before tipping his head back to take a swig. Brian follows Jaebum’s line of sight across the hazy room, finding Jinyoung right in its path. He’s leaning in to say something to Wonpil, which makes Wonpil’s face split into his characteristic boxy grin. If Brian didn’t know better, he might say that Jaebum looked jealous.

Nevertheless, the sight of Wonpil prompts Brian to scan for the other members. He finds Sungjin not far from them, having settled down towards the far end of the bar and looking like he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Jae is surprisingly hard to spot despite his height, but Brian eventually finds him—he has a mixed drink in hand, and is chatting someone up by the edge of the dance floor. Brian tenses as he watches Jae laugh, and he can hear the sweet noise in his head despite not actually being able to in real life. He forces himself to look away, drink a little more beer and focus on something else. 

It’s not necessarily his idea of fun, but Brian gets used to the club after a while. He sticks close to the bar, eventually nursing a second and then third beer as he takes everything in. Jaebum sticks to his side in avoidance of Jinyoung, which Brian can definitely understand. He watches the numbers on the clock tick by, counting the minutes he can last without trying to look for Jae. He’s not really drunk yet, just feeling a bit of a loose buzz flow through his limbs and flush his face, which makes distractions easier to find but definitely lowers his self control, so it’s a bit of a give and take. 

Eventually his will weakens, and he finds himself scanning the room again. This time, it doesn’t take nearly as long to find Jae, and when he spots him Brian’s jaw tenses. His face is barely visible, back pressed to the wall as he leans over a faceless figure in skin tight jeans, hands splayed out across their waist. 

Brian knows he shouldn’t watch, but he can’t seem to look away. Jae leans down, kissing his new friend as his hands slide down to hold their hips in a way that makes a spark of pain shoot through Brian’s stomach. He turns back to the bar with a jolt, hands gripping at the pockmarked wood. Jae’s not his. There’s no reason to be jealous, because Jae doesn’t feel that way about Brian. He just needs to let it go. Drink more, and let it go.

Jaebum seems to notice his distress, and quickly locates the source. He orders another drink for Brian, something that doesn’t register until Jaebum’s pushing the glass into Brian’s hands as Brian stares at the dirty tile floor behind the bar. 

“You want to leave?” Jaebum asks while Brian chugs it, settling the glass down on the bar with a clatter and a shake of his head.

“I’m fine,” he says, like if he says it out loud it will make him believe it. 

Jaebum obviously doesn’t, but he also doesn’t know what to do. Brian gets that. He’s not really sure what to do either. There’s no good way out—unless Jae goes home with someone else (highly unlikely considering the time they’re supposed to meet to practice tomorrow morning), he’s coming home with Brian, sleeping less than a few feet away from Brian, waking Brian up in the morning with his music and loud voice and incessant chatter. There’s no outcome in which Brian doesn’t have to deal with this, and that’s something he’s not exactly used to. 

Brian does his best to not think about it, but by the time Jinyoung rounds them all up to go home he’s done nothing but think about. He also doesn’t miss the look Jaebum shoots Jinyoung, or the way Jaebum places himself deliberately between Brian and the rest of them. It’s a sweet gesture, but in reality it does nothing—he’s going home with the members anyway, so he’ll have to face them (and Jae) sooner or later, and Brian doubts he’ll be any more put together when they reach the dorm than he is now. 

Eventually they have to split, and Jaebum sends Brian a worried glance over his shoulder before following Jinyoung down the hallway to their apartment as Brian and the others head for the next flight of steps up. Brian trails behind, just watching Jae as he bickers with Wonpil about something inane. He hesitates too, at the threshold, letting everyone else get in and head for the bathrooms before making a beeline for the room he shares with Jae. His plan is simple--be in bed, seemingly asleep, before Jae gets back, so he doesn’t have to look at the person he likes and face the unfortunate fact that said person doesn’t like him back. 

Of course, it doesn’t work. Jae stumbles backwards out of the bathroom with a yelp, nearly tripping over his ankles and directly cutting off Brian’s path to their room. 

“Hey!” he yells, banging on the door once, and Sungjin just laughs from the inside. Damn it. No one’s getting into that bathroom for a while. Jae curses under his breath, turning to head for their room, and Brian steels himself to the reality that he no longer has the privilege of avoidance.

He wishes he could control his tongue, he really does. But bitter jealousy takes over him as soon as the door shuts behind the two of them Jae headed to plug his phone in as Brian hovers near the end of his bed. 

“You looked like you were having fun at the club,” he says, tone unreadable even to his own ears. Jae turns, clearly surprised by Brian speaking, but a smirk quickly takes over his features.

“So you were watching? You jealous it wasn’t you making out with her?” he teases, and Brian lifts his chin in defiance.

“Only because I could have done it better,” he bluffs. “You looked sloppy at best.”

Jae snorts. “Oh you could see all that, could you?” Brian makes a face, which Jae seems to take as an invitation to keep talking. “I’d love to get some advice from you then, since you’re such an expert.”

“No amount of words would be able to teach you,” Brian replies, intending it as an insult, but Jae’s eyes don’t narrow the way he expects them too. Instead they widen, like he’s just thought of something he’s not quite sure what to do with yet. 

“Show me then,” Jae blurts, a challenge that makes the hairs on the back of Brian’s neck stand on end.

“What?” he asks, voice coming out softer than he would like.

“Show me how you would do it,” Jae repeats, lowering his chin as he speaks slower this time. He means it.

Well. Brian doesn’t need to be told again. He takes a tentative step forward and Jae meets him in the middle, breath smelling like peach soju when it ghosts across Brian’s mouth. 

Brian’s hands and mouth move at the same time, pulling Jae a little closer by the hips as he kisses him, sloppy and open mouthed. 

Jae’s lips are a little chapped, probably from having already made out with someone once tonight, but Brian doesn’t mind. His hands move to Jae’s neck, finding a position where his thumbs can run over Jae’s cheeks, coaxing his mouth open just a little more. The slick slide of their tongues is messy but so good, and Jae makes a noise at the back of his throat that Brian wants to call a moan.

When they pull apart, Jae’s cheeks are flushed and his pupils are blown wide. Brian’s sure he looks no better, but he’s just drinking in the view. Brian wants to ask the question, but it gets caught in his throat; luckily, Jae does it for him.

“We doing this or what?”

“Yeah,” Brian answers in a rush of breath. “We’re doing this.”

“Then why are you still dressed?”

It’s a problem they fix very quickly—Brian’s nice black shirt is left in a pile on the floor, Jae’s graphic tee thrown over the bed post. Jae’s fingers are ice cold, leaving Brian to shudder when they brush over his nipples, running down his chest before Jae reaches around to grab at Brian’s waist. For a moment, Brian is hyper aware of how Jae’s calloused fingertips dig into his soft flesh, a far cry from the toned, slender line of Jae’s torso. But Jae doesn’t seem to mind, moaning into Brian’s mouth when Brian’s hands reach to tug at the short hair at his nape. 

Jae moves back until the back of his legs hits his bed and then he sits, tugging Brian forward so he’s straddling Jae’s thighs, knees digging into the plush comforter. They kiss a little more, Brian’s jeans feeling hot and uncomfortably tight (he supposes Jae’s feeling the same). 

Brian pulls back, taking a moment to admire Jae’s swollen, spit slick lips before asking without preamble, “Can I blow you?”

Jae chokes a bit, which Brian should probably find unsexy but in reality it’s pretty cute. “Yeah,” he answers, voice hoarse, and Brian wastes no more time. He pulls back, settling with his knees on the floor and hands already working the fly of Jae’s skinny jeans open. The rips on the upper thigh are very distracting, however, and Brian indulges himself with a quick kiss and then nip at the pale, smooth skin peeking out there. 

Jae lifts his hips, letting Brian tug his jeans far enough down his slim thighs to get a good look at the outline of his hard cock, straining against grey boxer briefs. There’s a spot where pre-come has darked the fabric, and Brian lets his warm breath blow over it just to see Jae squirm a little. 

“Bri,” Jae breathes, and it feels so different from all the times he’s used that nickname just to piss Brian off. Now, he’s asking for something. And Brian wants to give it to him. 

Obliging Jae’s technically silent request, Brian tugs Jae’s briefs down. As soon as Jae’s cock is out, Brian settles a little further forward and licks a long stripe up the underside, base to tip. Jae makes a sort of strangled noise at the back of his throat, one hand clenching at the comforter as the other threads through Brian’s already messy hair. 

Brian wastes no more time, quickly wrapping his lips around the head and starting to work his way down. If Jae wasn’t so reactive, Brian thinks he might be nervous, considering this is the first time he’s ever had a dick in his mouth. There’s definitely a few times he forgets about keeping his teeth covered and at some point his jaw starts to hurt, but he tries to make up for his inexperience with enthusiasm. However, the sheer amount of noise Jae makes tells Brian he’s doing at least a decent job. 

And the noises, well. The noises make it all worth it.

They range from low groans to higher whines, with the occasional breathless curse or utterance of Brian's name (or some variation of it). Brian shouldn't be surprised, really, considering how loud Jae is in daily life. It's only reasonable he should be this loud with Brian's mouth on him.

"Shit, Brian," Jae moans, and Brian feels really bad about choosing that moment for a break. He wraps his hand around Jae's dick, trying to keep up the rhythm his mouth was maintaining before it decided to give up on him. He lets his cheek rest against Jae's upper thigh, and Jae's hand in his hair turns surprisingly soft, nails raking gently against Brian's scalp in a soothing way.

Brian takes the opportunity to press the heel of his palm to the front of his pants, trying to give himself just a little relief. 

“You done?” Jae asks, and it’s definitely teasing, but with an undertone of concern. Then again, Brian could be imagining things. 

He looks up, making eye contact as he swallows to wet his mouth, tongue darting out to run over his chapped lips. “No,” he answers with as much confidence as he can muster, though it still comes out a little breathless. 

Jae cocks an eyebrow, and Brian gives him one last look up through his eyelashes before he’s swallowing Jae down again.

It doesn’t take long for Jae to get close; Brian can tell from the tightening of Jae’s fingers in his hair and his poorly aborted thrusts up into Brian’s mouth. If he’s honest, it’s really hot how desperate Jae is to come. 

Brian focuses his energy on the head of Jae’s cock, letting his hand take care of the rest until Jae comes with a noise that could only be called a whimper. It’s a little gross, but Brian swallows because there’s no other convenient option. 

“Fuck that was hot,” Jae swears, gaping as he looks down at Brian. There’s a swell of pride in Brian’s chest as he pulls away, rocking back on his heels and wiping at his mouth and chin with the back of his hand.

“Thanks,” he replies, feeling stupid as soon as the word leaves his mouth. Jae just smiles.

“Take your pants off and come here,” he says, and Brian doesn’t even bother to question why before doing it, straddling Jae like before except this time just in his boxers. “Let me jerk you off?” Jae asks, mouth moving against Brian’s neck before kissing his way down, and Brian doesn’t hesitate to nod in confirmation.

It’s fast and dirty, Jae spitting into his palm as he uses his other hand to shove the elastic of Brian’s boxers down and out of the way, but Brian doesn’t mind at all. He’s been so hard for so long that he thinks he could come just from Jae’s hand resting on his dick.

Luckily for him though, Jae moves, long strokes from base to tip before he works on just the head for a few seconds, getting Brian closer before starting at the base again and repeating the rhythm. Brian tries to not make too much noise to avoid embarrassing himself, but he can’t help the few whiny noises that come out along with the involuntary jerks of his hips into Jae’s hand. Jae huffs against Brian’s neck, except it sounds less like a laugh and more like “cute.”

It’s embarrassing how little time it takes after that for Brian to get close, fingers digging into the back of Jae’s shoulders as he swears, bucking his hips upwards. 

Jae urges him on, soft words that Brian would be surprised at if he could actually register anything other than the feeling building low in his gut. Finally, his eyes squeeze shut as he comes with a low moan on Jae’s stomach and hand and both of their thighs. 

He stays in Jae’s lap for a few moments, head hanging over Jae’s shoulder as he attempts to catch his breath. 

“You good?” Jae asks, and Brian lifts his head to make eye contact again. Jae looks like a mess; some of his hair is sticking straight up from where Brian’s fingers fucked it up a few minutes ago, and everything about him is flushed. Looking down, there’s come drying on both of them, which Brian wrinkles his nose at.

“Yeah,” he answers, rolling off Jae so he’s laying flat on his back beside him.

Jae gives him a nudge in the ribs. “Dude. Go get cleaned up, you’re not sleeping in my bed.”

Brian closes his eyes, taking a deep inhale through his nose. Business as usual.

“I’m going,” he sighs, pushing himself up and making his way to the bathroom. Jae follows him in, and they coexist in awkward silence as they clean up, brushing their teeth now that they’re feeling completely sober.

They don’t speak again, not even when Brian goes to turn the lights off and he can hear Jae rustling around in his bed, too restless to sleep. Brian eventually tunes it out, drifting off anyway as he tries to ignore the questions running through his head a mile a minute. For the moment, he just lets himself enjoy this. 

+

Somewhere, somehow, it becomes a _thing_. Jae, with all of his “American swag” calls it a fuck buddies sort of situation, except they’re not buddies, just two guys who sort of get along but definitely find each other fuckable. Brian’s not really sure what to call it, but he’s also okay with it not having a name. He thinks the lack of a definition makes Jae a little nervous, but for once Brian allows himself to just let things be as they are. At least, for a while. 

It’s hard to get each other alone. There’s always other people home, or practicing with them, or out eating dinner with them. They do the best they can, Jae tugging on Brian’s belt loops as he leads the younger into an empty recording studio, or Brian making an exaggerated point of locking the door to their en suite bathroom, savoring the feeling when his knees hit the tile and he can finally swallow Jae down like he’s been wanting to all week. 

(He thinks Jae’s especially hot like this, thumb swiping over Brian’s lip as he rocks forward into Brian’s mouth with a chorus of _fuck, Brian, Jesus_.)

They need to be more careful, wait till everyone still at home is asleep, but neither of them have particularly good self control. As a result, there’s been a few close calls already. Brian doesn’t like to think about what might happen if they’re found out—he just knows it wouldn’t end well for anyone involved.

Another thing about their now semi-regular hookups: they haven’t made it past third base. As much as Brian hates how middle school the term sounds, there’s not really a better way to describe it—neither of them is willing to broach the topic of going further than a BJ, and even if they were, it’s impractical anyway. Not that Brian doesn’t think about it. He probably thinks about it a little too much, if he’s being honest, and it makes it into some of their lyrics. It feels like a dirty secret held between the two of them, to be at practice rapping words he wrote thinking about what it’s be like to get a night truly alone with Jae. 

Brian tries not to delude himself. Going out of their way to get a night to themselves is, in way, implying that this is more than what it actually is. Brian’s fully aware that they’re not on the same page, feelings-wise, and he does his best to be alright with that. Of course, there are some nights he finds himself lying awake, letting it eat away at his stomach, but most days he does a pretty good job of tamping down his desire for Jae to want him for more than just hookups. Most days. 

+

On the days he doesn’t, Jaebum notices. Jaebum always notices. 

“You’re being weird,” Jaebum announces, sweat dripping down his temples and onto the white towel thrown around the back of his neck. He’s just come from dance practice, found Brian practicing bass in the band room and decided he would come be annoying for a bit. At least, that’s what Brian assumes.

Brian looks up from his bass strings, glaring. “Am not,” he denies, fully aware of how childish he sounds. 

“Yes, you are,” Jaebum shoots back, and he sounds like such a dad Brian wants to laugh. “You’re being broody and weird. What’s up?”

Just like last time, Brian finds himself wanting to spill his guts involuntarily. Jaebum just has that effect on people. He tries to fight it, but then he figures that if the worst that can happen is getting chewed out by his friend, that’s not so bad.

“Remember the uh, problem I told you about a few months ago?” he asks, and Jaebum nods, taking a swig from his water bottle.

“You still stuck on the guy?” Jaebum returns, raising an eyebrow, and Brian presses his lips together.

“Sort of,” he answers. “Except things kinda...happened.”

Both of Jaebum’s eyebrows shoot up at that, and his chin retreats a little into his neck. “Happened?” he repeats. “You confessed?”

“No,” Brian replies. That probably would be easier to tell Jaebum than what’s actually happening. He takes a deep breath, and then just rips the bandaid off: “We started hooking up.”

Jaebum chokes on his water. “You and Jae hyung are fucking?” It’s much too loud for their not-quite-soundproof band room, and Brian shushes him with a hiss.

Once the initial shock wears off, Jaebum’s expression changes to something softer, more pitiful. “Brian,” he starts, and Brian closes his eyes like that’ll make Jaebum change his mind about whatever he’s about to say. “You’re hooking up with someone you have feelings for?”

Brian purses his lips, blowing out a stream of air to kill time before he has to speak. “Something like that,” he answers, even though it’s exactly like that. 

“Brian,” Jaebum repeats, and Brian knows he’s in for it. “That is literally the worst thing you could possibly do. Does he really not know how you feel about him?”

“Well considering I never told him, I would assume not,” Brian answers, plucking a melancholy pattern out on his bass. Jaebum rolls his eyes. 

“You’re setting yourself up to get hurt,” Jaebum says, like Brian doesn’t already know that. “You should end it. Like, now. Do you understand how bad this could be for you? For him? For the group?”

Brian lets the heel of his hand hit the strings with a dissonant sound. “I know,” he groans, tipping his head back and squeezing his eyes shut as he rubs at the bridge of his nose. “I know it could go bad but for once we actually sort of get along. So it’s sort of helping?”

“You blowing him so he’s less bitchy does not count as helping,” Jaebum says, and Brian glares. “Oh my god, you really do blow him so he’ll be nicer to you.”

“That’s not why,” Brian protests. “It’s just a side effect, I guess. But everyone’s nicer after a BJ!”

Jaebum mutters something that sounds like “not everyone,” but Brian ignores it because it’s easier that way. Then, he speaks up. “Seriously. This is an awful idea. Actually the worst decision you could possibly make in this situation.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Brian snaps grumpily. Jaebum fakes like he’s going to throw his towel at Brian, and then the pitiful look returns. 

“Well as long as you know that you’re being an idiot, there’s nothing more I can do for you,” he says, tipping his head back and downing the rest of his water. 

Brian groans again, louder this time. “It’s working, okay? I’ll end it if it stops working, but for now, it works.”

“The longer you let it go the harder it’s gonna be,” Jaebum points out, and Brian hates that he’s right. Honestly, Brian’s not even sure if he has the guts to end it with Jae now. Maybe it’s already gone on too long. 

“I can handle it.” He’s lying, but if Jaebum clocks it he doesn’t say anything, and Brian is grateful.

Brian goes back to practicing, and Jaebum pulls out his phone to pass the time quietly, and everything is fine again. Still, Brian can’t help but feel the sinking feeling of guilt settling in his gut as the night goes on, Jaebum’s words playing over and over again in his head. Not that it’s enough to make him stop. Brian’s not sure there’s enough words in the world to make stopping what he has worth it.

+

Their feedback improves a lot from their first days together as a band, but only slightly. Brian’s still told that his lyrics are too basic, not interesting enough to garner attention from the public. So he goes home, stays up all night and writes the biggest “fuck you” he can manage, pouring everything he’s kept out of their songs into this one track until they’ve got something that resembles a song. The other members don’t say anything, but they know just as well as he does that it’s too gutsy of a move--it’ll never get past their team.

Somehow, it does. 

The feeling Brian gets when Congratulations is approved for their debut title track is like nothing he’s experienced before. It’s like he’s been swimming for miles and miles, and finally he has the long white stretch of sandy beach in his sight. This is the light at the end of their proverbial tunnel, and it’s so bright he almost cries. 

It’s the best all of them have ever gotten along, too—no one has the energy to fight when they’re full of excitement and anxiety about finally debuting. Finally, it feels like everything is falling into place. 


	2. and i've got this feeling (i just can't hold it back)

Debut doesn’t feel as different as Brian hoped it would. 

They’re not promoting on music shows, just in small clubs that feel a lot like busking or their trainee showcases. It frustrating, really—they’d all built up this idea in their heads about how much things would change when really, not much changed at all.

They’re walking back from a group dinner, unfortunately headed back to the building for a bit more practice before they can go home. It’s Brian who pauses on their way in, stopping to look up at their faces plastered up above the door, right underneath Miss A. 

Regroup, refocus. That’s what he needs to do. He inhales through his nose, letting the chilly November air sting at his nostrils. At least they debuted. At least they got this far.

“You coming, Kang Bri?” Sungjin asks, and Brian realizes that the whole team has stopped, is hovering outside the door with their eyes on him. He has to try extra hard to not focus on Jae’s eyes (which are focused on him).

“Yeah,” he replies, putting on a smile so Wonpil won’t worry. “Right behind you.”

+

The one thing that does change with debut is Brian’s workload. He’s still in school, but now they have actual schedules to attend on top of practice and writing songs. It's another late night for him, the spot between his shoulder blades aching as he remains hunched over his desk in the bedroom. School is kicking his ass, and he's really starting to question if it's even possible for him to perform and be a student at the same time. These days, it feels like he averages about six hours of sleep a week. He props his cheek up on his palm, trying to refocus his eyes so the words in his textbook stop swimming off the page. Still, his eyelids grow heavy, and he can't stop himself from slipping off into sleep.

When he wakes again, the first thing he notices is that the lights are off, when they were most definitely on when he fell asleep. His textbook, which was open, is now closed, lying far enough away so that his head wouldn’t hit it even if it slipped off of his arm. 

Lifting his head, Brian grimaces at the puddle of drool he left on the sleeve of his hoodie. Oh well. He supposes it probably could have used a wash a few weeks ago anyway. Forcing himself up out of his chair, he heads for the bathroom to get ready to actually sleep, body switching to autopilot as he goes through the motions of washing his face and brushing his teeth. As he gets into bed, though, he makes an important realization: everyone else went out tonight, save him and Jae. The only person who would have been in the whole apartment, much less in their room, is Jae. Which means that the person who turned out the lights, closed his textbook, and then left Brian to sleep peacefully, was Jae.

Brian doesn’t know how to feel about that. 

+

If Brian had any sense at all, he would leave it alone. But he knows himself, and he knows his truth: Brian Kang does not leave anything alone. 

Jae’s already up and in the kitchen the next morning, warming up soup for breakfast. Running a hand through his hair to get his bangs out of his face, Brian clears his throat to let Jae know he’s there. 

Jae turns, wooden spoon pausing in his hand. Once he realizes it’s Brian, he relaxes. “Hey,” he says simply, before turning back to the stove. 

“Hey,” Brian returns, voice still low and thick from sleep. Jae shifts, making room for Brian to move beside him and start rummaging around in the fridge. He grabs a yogurt, downing it in a few gulps before his attention turns back to Jae’s back in front of him, the way his white tee hangs off his pretty shoulders.

“Thank you,” Brian blurts, “For last night.”

The spoon stops scraping the bottom of the pot again. “Uh, you’re welcome,” Jae answers awkwardly, just barely turning his head to throw a quick glance at Brian over his shoulder. Then he turns back to his soup, and the moment’s over.

There’s not much to do after that, so Brian tosses his empty yogurt cup in the trash and heads back to their room. He doesn’t miss how Jae’s shoulders fall a little when he hears Brian walking away.

Somehow, they go the rest of the day without really talking, and Brian feels the weight of the awkwardness between them like a bag of bricks. 

It’s only when they’re settling in for bed that night that Brian works up the courage to talk to Jae again. 

“We’re good, right?” he asks, tugging his oversized sleep shirt over his head and blowing a puff of air to get his bangs out of his eyes.

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Jae asks, like they’re friends. Like they’ve always been friends.

“This morning was just...awkward,” Brian explains, not quite making eye contact as Jae strips down to his boxers. One would think with the amount of times Brian’s seen Jae naked he’s be used to it, but something always makes it feel like it’s the first time every time. “I just wanted to make sure nothing changed.”

“Nothing changed?” Jae says, voice raising at the end like a question. “Jesus, can’t a guy do something nice for his roommate around here?”

“Well, someone can, but usually it’s not you,” Brian answers, and Jae scoffs. 

“It’s not like I hate you or anything.” Brian’s mouth goes dry. 

“You don’t?” he asks, voice softer and more vulnerable than he wants it to be.

“No,” Jae replies slowly, “do you think I hate you?”

“Well. Yeah,” Brian answers honestly. “You’re kind of an asshole to me. Have been since we met.”

Jae sputters a bit. “I have not,” he defends, but the expression on his face lets Brian know that he knows he has. “Anyway, even if I was an asshole to you, did you really think I’d hook up with you all the time if I hated you?”

“Yes,” Brian answers honestly, and Jae chokes out a laugh.

“Well shit,” he says. “Sorry you thought I hate you, man.”

“S’okay,” Brian shrugs, finally sinking down onto his mattress. “It happens, I guess.”

“Not really, but alright,” Jae laughs, and Brian can’t help but smile. “If you have any other questions about assumptions you’ve been sitting on for years, feel free to ask,” he jokes. Brian hums in reply.

“Will do,” he says, and Jae shuts off the light, sending them into darkness. Brian hears the rustling of Jae’s sheets as he gets into bed, and before he knows it, he’s got another question. 

“Actually, I do have something I want to ask you,” Brian says, rolling over to face Jae. He’s a little flustered though, because he was not prepared for how incredibly pretty Jae looks like this: smooth planes of his cheeks illuminated by moonlight dripping in through the window, nose casting a little round shadow over his lips.

“Shoot,” Jae replies, and Brian’s forced to pull his thoughts together again.

“Why did you act like you hated me so much from the start? When we hadn’t even talked?”

Jae snorts. “Who’s fault is it that we hadn’t talked?”

Now this. This Brian doesn’t know what to do with.

“What?” Brian asks. “What are you talking about?”

“The trainee showcase,” Jae answers, like that explains anything. Either he can see the confusion on Brian’s face or he can draw as much from Brian’s silence, because he elaborates. “The first time I ever saw you, I was backstage at the trainee showcase. You were just coming off stage and I told you that I really liked your performance and you just looked at me and kept walking. And no offense, man, but you come off kinda mean when you glare at someone who doesn’t know you.”

Brian rolls onto his back, eyebrows furrowing as he tries to remember what Jae’s talking about. “I don’t—I don’t remember that,” he says, “the first time I met you was later, when you came for lessons.”

“Yeah, that was when we met,” Jae agrees, “but I saw you at the trainee showcase, and you ignored me. And you know how I am with grudges.”

“You’re a real bitch.” Brian grins, and Jae makes like he’s going to hit Brian with his pillow. “I’m sorry though, for what it’s worth. I guess I really didn’t hear you.” 

“Yeah, I got that,” Jae laughs weakly. “I guess I should apologize too. For, you know. The whole hating you for a while because I thought you ignored me thing.”

“I can almost understand where you were coming from. Almost,” Brian jokes, and that makes Jae laugh for real. 

“‘Night, Bri Bri,” Jae says, and Brian makes a content hum.

“Goodnight,” he returns, and it’s nice to mean it.

+

Brian expects something to change after that, but it doesn’t, which only further proves that maybe most of this has been in his head the whole time. Jae certainly doesn’t act any different, still teasing Brian over practice or some sappy lyrics he writes. Now though, Brian feels no animosity behind it, and reacts in kind. If the others notice the slight change, they don’t say anything. In general though, it’s business as usual, or at least it is until they get a vacation.

It’s rare, but it happens—they’ve been given four days off. No practice, no schedules, nothing company related for four days. Rest, their manager says. Travel, get some ideas so you can come back and write well for your next album. Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon take this to heart; all three of them use the time off to go home and see their families. But for Jae and Brian, it’s a little harder. Brian makes plans to meet up with some friends from his college, and Jae gets dinner with his Kpop Star friends, but their parents are too far to make traveling home worth it. And for Brian at least, his parent’s house in Toronto doesn’t really count as home anyway. 

It’s a bit weird, just because having the two of them sharing a small room when the bigger bedroom sits empty is a little weird in theory, but Brian quickly realizes what an advantage that is. 

Jae’s just gotten back from getting boba with his friends, and is laying on his stomach on the couch, phone in hand as he scrolls mindlessly. It’s Brian’s first time emerging from their room in hours; he’d just finished the webtoon he’d been reading and heard the door slam when Jae got home. 

It happens this easily: looking at Jae on the couch, Brian’s reminded of how long it’s been since they hooked up. Then he realizes that the apartment is empty. It’s a simple 1+1 in Brian’s head, and he thinks it will be for Jae too as soon as he makes obvious their situation. 

“How was dinner?” he asks, because it’s more casual than “let me blow you?”

“Fine,” Jae shrugs, sitting up so Brian can fit next to him on the couch. He lifts his arm, an invitation for Brian to lean into him in something that suspiciously resembles cuddling. Brian accepts. 

“Wonpil leave already?” Jae asks, eyes flitting to the closed door of Wonpil and Sungjin’s room. That’s right, Brian remembers, Jae was already gone by the time Wonpil’s sister came to pick him up.

Brian hums an affirmative. “A few hours ago.”

“So we’ve got the place to ourselves?” Jae’s eyebrows raise, and Brian feels a stirring in his gut.

“Yup,” he answers, as casually as he can manage. 

“Then what are we waiting for?”

Brian grins, moving quickly to sling his thigh over Jae’s lap to straddle him. “My thoughts exactly,” he says, and Jae rolls his eyes before grabbing at Brian’s waist, pulling him in for a kiss. 

Things progress quickly; it’s been too long, and the thrill of making out on the living room couch (a luxury they can’t usually afford) just adds to it all. Soon enough though, Brian’s dragging Jae up and moving them towards the bedroom because, well. That’s where the lube is.

Brian heads for Jae’s bed, but Jae’s grip on his hips stops him. Jae breaks the kiss, wrinkling his nose. “Uh, we should probably use your bed. I think Dowoon took a nap in here earlier and spilled ramen on my sheets.”

“Yeah, because ramen in the grossest thing those sheets have seen,” Brian nods along, struggling to keep a straight face even as Jae laughs. 

“Fuck off,” he says, right before Brian fists Jae’s tee shirt in his hands and pull him back in.

They move towards Brian’s bed instead, spinning so Jae hits the mattress first, tugging Brian down on top of him.

“Fuck!” Jae swears when his head hits the unforgiving wood of Brian’s bed frame, and Brian dissolves into giggles. “Yeah, okay. Laugh at the guy in pain.”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine once your dick’s in my mouth,” Brian replies, hand going for Jae’s zipper when suddenly he’s stopped, Jae grabbing his wrist and looking up at him with pupils blown wide and heart shaped lips pink and slick. 

“I was thinking,” he starts, and Brian retracts his hand. Jae doesn’t let go quite as fast as he should, almost like he’s chasing the contact. “We have the place to ourselves tonight.”

Brian nods, cocking an eyebrow; he thought this had already been established.

“Tonight would be a good night to try something new,” Jae finishes, heavy emphasis on the last few words. It takes Brian a few moments to get it, but when he does he rocks back, mouth forming an ‘o’ of realization. 

“Do you have—” he starts, and Jae nods. 

“Condoms in my bag and I know you have a bottle of KY under your bed,” Jae answers, and Brian almost feels embarrassed until he remembers that they’ve used that bottle of KY multiple times before--of course Jae would know where he keeps it. 

“Okay,” Brian answers. They hold eye contact for just a half second, and then Brian gets off to hunt down Jae’s condoms. When he turns back, shiny foil packets in hand, Jae’s wiggling his way out of his skinny jeans and Brian can’t help but smile—it’s cute. 

Then he realizes there’s another question to ask. Clearing his throat to catch Jae’s attention as he settles at the foot of the bed he starts, “Do you—do you want me to—”

Jae snorts. “Do I want to fuck you or do I want you to fuck me? Is that what you’re asking?”

Brian lets out a sigh of relief. “Yeah, that.” 

“Do you care?” Jae asks, cocking an eyebrow. Brian’s actually thought about this—way too much, actually. He doesn’t care, really, but he’s not technically prepared for this situation, so the choice is easy.

“I wanna fuck you, if that’s okay,” he answers, and Jae grins.

“That’s perfect,” he says before tangling his fingers in Brian’s shirt to pull him close, noses bumping and teeth clacking a little as they kiss again and again and again. Brian’s neatly situated between Jae’s parted thighs, hands on either side of Jae’s head, caging him in. He wants to sit up a little, run his hand up Jae’s smooth thigh to his hip, but the relative height of the bunk bed frame just makes some things impossible. Instead he just settles onto his forearms, Jae’s head falling flat against the pillow as Brian moves down, pushing Jae’s shirt up to his chest to press open mouthed kisses across his stomach and hips. Jae’s hands grab at Brian’s shirt, pulling it up enough that Brian just sits back on his heels enough to tug it off entirely.

“Is this what you wanted?” he teases, and Jae just rolls his eyes. Knowing he won’t get a response, Brian resumes his previous path down Jae’s torso, using one hand to push Jae’s shirt up far enough that he can run his thumb over a nipple and smiling at the way it makes Jae twitch. 

“More?” he asks, and Jae nods an affirmative. It takes a little extra work but Jae gets his shirt off, fumbling to shove it on to the floor and collapsing back on the pillow with a sigh. Brian wastes no time, pressing an open mouthed kiss to Jae’s ribs before flicking a nipple with his tongue, taking it in his mouth as Jae moans softly above him. He uses his hand on the other, switching when Jae gets a little quieter and feeling a swell of pride when the noises increase in volume and frequency again. When he finally pulls away, there’s a bit of spit that smudges on his chin, and it makes Jae laugh.

“Gross,” he says, squealing when Brian drags his chin across Jae’s bare stomach in revenge. 

Brian runs his hands from Jae’s knees to hips and back again, Jae easily parting his legs further to allow Brian to settle comfortably between them on his stomach, nose pressed to the smooth, fair skin of Jae’s inner thigh. This part is easy, comfortable—just like everything they’ve done before. But Brian feels a different kind of electricity running beneath his skin in anticipation of what’s to come, making it feel like the first time all over again. 

Brian mouths his way up Jae’s thigh, alternating between sweet kisses and soft scrapes of teeth, just how he knows Jae likes it. He hesitates a little when he gets up to the hem of Jae’s boxers, but Jae gives him a little tap on the shoulder and a nod, the sign for him to keep going.

Once Jae’s naked, everything seems to happen a lot faster. Brian reaches for the lube, accidentally dripping it all over his hand and the sheets, which Jae seems to find funny. The grin leaves when Brian slips a tentative finger inside, Jae’s eyes screwing shut at the intrusion.

“You okay?” Brian asks, and Jae hums an affirmative.

“Just go slow,” he says, and Brian nods.

“Have you ever…” he starts, unsure of how to say what he wants to ask. “On yourself?” he tries, and Jae knows what he means.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he answers, voice breathy and face relaxed as Brian continues to work a finger inside of him, pressing up in an attempt to find the spot that he knows is there. 

“Asshole,” Brian says instinctively, and he has to hold back a giggle when he realizes the irony of the situation. Jae catches the slip, gently kicking at Brian’s shoulder with his right foot. Brian rests his free hand on top of Jae’s ankle when he settles, using his thumb to run small circles on the soft skin there. 

“Another?” he asks, and Jae lets out a soft sigh of a yes, squirming a bit when Brian adds his index finger, knees falling open even wider to accommodate. 

“That feel okay?” Brian asks, trying his best to watch Jae’s face for reactions as he scissors his fingers a bit before returning to the come hither motions he was making before.

“Feels good,” Jae confirms, eyes still shut tight as he pushes back on to Brian’s fingers. “You can add another.”

Brian complies, and Jae lets out a low moan at the stretch of the third finger. Brian’s still experimenting, trying to figure out what exactly makes Jae feel good when Jae’s hips jerk suddenly and he lets out a shaky breath.

“Do that again,” he demands, and Brian does, trying to replicate what he’d been doing a moment before. Jae’s cock twitches, precum drooling from the head in a way that makes Brian’s mouth water. He contemplates acting on the urge, but decides against it. He needs Jae to last and, well. Jae has a real thing for Brian’s mouth.

“Okay okay okay,” Jae blabbers, trying to bat at Brian’s wrist though even his long fingers don’t quite reach. “I’m prepped or whatever, you should fuck me now.”

Brian snorts, amused by the way Jae’s personality shines through despite the situation. “You sure?” he asks, and Jae makes intense eye contact, nodding vigorously. 

“I’ve literally been waiting forever, I don’t think I could be any more ready,” he says, running his mouth even as Brian pulls his fingers out, reaching for the condoms and lube next to him. 

“Bossy,” Brian comments, rolling the condom on with only a little difficulty due to his already slick fingers. He’s generous with the lube, trying to make things go as smoothly as possible. Then he’s presented with a problem: it’s already uncomfortable to sit up for just this long, there’s no way he can just continue to hunch over. Fucking bunk beds. Brian considers his options, and quickly settles on what he thinks will be easiest for both of them. 

“I want to try a different position,” he says, and Jae nods an okay, though he looks a bit dubious. Brian slots himself on his side between Jae and the wall, poking at Jae’s shoulder till Jae gets the message and turns so his back is facing Brian. Brian slips one arm beneath Jae’s waist, using the other to lift Jae’s thigh for access. 

“This okay?” he murmurs, lips brushing the sensitive skin where Jae’s neck meets his shoulder. Jae shudders a little, before humming his content. 

“Good,” he confirms, and Brian feels like he can relax a bit. “You can go,” Jae prompts him, clearly growing impatient from all the waiting, and Brian stifles a laugh.

“Just tell me if it hurts,” he says, and Jae snorts.

“I can handle you,” he replies, and this time Brian can’t hold back the laughter. Still, he lines himself up and pushes into Jae slow and steady, even as Jae squirms a bit at the intrusion.

“You’re fine, just go,” Jae says before Brian has the chance to check on him again, clearly anticipating what Brian’s going to say next. Brian complies with the demand, bracing his knee against the mattress so he can start with shallow thrusts. Jae moans long and low, and Brian speeds up as soon as he feels like he can do so without hurting Jae. Jae pushes back against Brian as best he can despite the tight space, and it doesn’t take particularly long for either of them to get close. Brian bites his lip, hell bent on making Jae come first, which usually isn’t too difficult. 

“Touch yourself,” he says and Jae complies easily, eyes screwing shut as he strokes himself till he’s coming onto his hand and stomach with a broken moan. Brian isn’t far behind, swearing softly and resting his forehead on Jae’s shoulder as he comes into the condom with a stutter of his hips. 

He doesn’t move for a bit after that, focusing on the rise and fall of his own chest as he comes back down to earth. Eventually he pulls it together enough to roll onto his back, and Jae’s eyes slip shut with a sigh.

“Don’t sleep,” Brian says, despite the tiredness already washing over him. “We need to clean up.”

“Shhhh,” Jae hushes him, but he only lays there a few more moments before he’s up, dragging Brian with him to the bathroom.

Something about it reminds Brian of the very first time, standing hip to hip at the bathroom counter as Jae wipes himself down before tossing the box of tissues at Brian so he can do the same. 

When they’re done, Jae takes Brian by the wrist again and drags them right back to Brian’s bed, and Brian has no complaints whatsoever. His bunk is still a little cramped for two grown men to sleep in, but it gives Brian a damn good excuse to let Jae wrap around him like a koala, legs tangling beneath the comforter and breath fanning warm and ticklish over sensitive skin. 

Brian focuses on the steady rhythm of Jae’s chest, the gentle rise and fall against Brian’s bare back that lulls him to sleep in no time at all.

+

Brian wakes in the morning to Jae’s arm slung hot and heavy over the bare skin of his waist, Jae’s nose pressing into the nape of his neck and a knee poking at the back of his thigh. The bed is cramped with the two of them, but Brian manages to flip himself over, and the sight of Jae still asleep nearly knocks the breath from his lungs. It should be mundane at this point after sharing a room for so long but being this close, after what happened last night—it feels entirely new, and Brian has to drink it all in. Jae’s lashes and tear drop nose cast shadows on his face in the morning sunlight that streams in through the blinds, and Brian stares in awe at his smooth skin, marked only by a small red pimple near his nose. It does nothing to detract from his beauty, just tells Brian that Jae is real and he’s here, barefaced and asleep in Brian’s bed. Absentmindedly he traces his fingertips up Jae’s arm, from where his wrist touches Brian’s waist all the way up to his collarbone and then back down again. Doing this a few times makes Jae stir, and Brian draws his hand back in surprise.

“Morning,” Jae says, voice raspy with sleep as his hand comes up to push the hair out of his face and rub at his tired eyes. Brian is about to answer, but then Jae reaches over to push the hair out of Brian’s eyes, running his fingers through the flat fringe that obscures Brian’s vision every morning before they go to the shop. 

“Morning,” Brian echoes, as soon as he remembers how to speak.

Jae has this stupid sleepy smile on his face, and Brian is just about to tease him about it when Jae leans in, nose brushing Brian’s just before he presses their lips together in a chaste kiss. Brian hesitates, but then he kisses back, chapped lips and morning breath and all. They kiss soft and slow, with no ulterior motive; tongues and teeth stay in their owner’s mouth, where they belong. It occurs to Brian that they’ve never done this before—never just kissed for the sake of it, kissed because they want to, kissed because it feels good. He doesn’t want to stop, though. He never wants it to stop.

Eventually, though, they have to get up. Jae’s the one to pull back first, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand before giving Brian a bright smile. “I’m gonna go brush my teeth,” he announces, shoving the covers off of his legs and rummaging around on the floor for his boxers, giving Brian a very nice back view while he’s at it. 

“Sungjin wants us out in fifteen,” Jae adds, almost like an afterthought, and then sends Brian scrambling. There’s no time for overthinking, still rushing through the process of getting ready for a radio appearance despite skipping a few things he probably should have done (namely shaving). 

Brian feels like he floats through their schedule, and nothing tugs him back down to earth until they’re back in the van, finally heading back to the dorm after practicing for their radio appearance, making their radio appearance, and then some more practice after that. He’s in the middle, squished between Jae and Dowoon. Dowoon’s dozing off, head dangerously close to smacking against the window. Jae has his headphones in and is staring out his window, watching the city go by as their van navigates Seoul’s crowded streets. Brian’s leg is pressed against his, hip to knee, and Brian can’t seem to keep his eyes off where Jae’s forearm rests on top of his slender thigh, fingers splayed and pinky just barely brushing Brian’s skin through the rips over his knees. 

Brian’s hand moves without him thinking about it, and he’s already halfway reaching towards Jae when he realizes what he wants to do: he wants to hold Jae’s hand. 

It’s such an innocent action—they’ve held hands before, when they bow at the end of performances. Brian holds Dowoon’s hand all the time, used to hold Terry’s hand too back when he was younger, but this. This is different. This is like the kissing from this morning, but worse. He just wants to be close to Jae, for no reason other than it feels good, gives him a warm fuzzy feeling in his gut. And that’s the crux of it all, isn’t it? This thing that they do was never going to progress into something more, and now all Brian wants is more.

He retracts his hand like he’s been burned, shoving both of them between his thighs to keep them in place. He can’t bring himself to look at Jae so he looks straight ahead, through the windshield at the winding road ahead of them.

Suddenly his last conversation with Jaebum plays in his head, and Brian has to stop himself from sighing. He said he’d keep it up as long as it worked. Maybe his inability to control his feelings means it’s not working anymore. 

As soon as they get back, Brian drops his bag off in his (their) room before promptly declaring that he’s going on a walk. Sungjin makes a face at him but shrugs it off, telling him to be back in time to get some decent sleep before tomorrow. Brian knows it’s out of character for him, but right now even the exhaustion is defeated by his overwhelming need to get as far away from the source of his problems as possible. 

It’s still early evening in their residential district, so as he makes his way along the road their apartment sits on he passes some families, kids in strollers or resting in their parents’ arms as they chatter about how hungry they are. Brian gives them a smile, shoving his hands deeper in the pockets of his denim jacket as he wanders along, no real destination in mind. That is, at least, until he catches sight of the corner store. 

The regular ajusshi is working the register, and he gives Brian a nod when Brian comes in. Brian smiles back sweetly, and as he makes his way down an aisle he realizes just how much of a habit that is. He’s still not looking for anything in particular, but he scrunches his nose as he passes the silkworm pupa stacked at the back—Jae’s favorite snack. Usually he’d buy a few, shove them in his pockets so he can leave them on Jae’s desk and wait to hear Jae’s excited whoop when he finds them, usually a few hours later. Today though, he just walks past.

It makes him feel pathetic if he thinks about it too long. They have a relationship that works for them, but here Brian is, always wanting more, giving gifts and taking whatever Jae throws at him on any given day. He writes songs about Jae; composes melodies just because he knows Jae’s voice will sound pretty singing them and comes up with lyrics full of words he wants Jae to say. 

He grabs a bottle iced americano from the refrigerated section like his mind isn’t already running a mile a minute, not bothering to worry about not being able to sleep later. 

It’s not working. Brian’s own feelings are too much, and it’s too much to hope that Jae could ever want something even remotely like what Brian wants. On top of that, JYP is talking about pushing them harder for their next comeback, even including music show promotions this time around, and Brian doesn’t know how all of that will play out. He’s never been out in the public eye like that, not when he didn’t have a say over what exactly got shown, and that? That scares him. If they slip up even once, do something on camera they shouldn’t, JYP could end them right then. 

Brian would do it for Jae though, and that’s the sad part. He’d do anything for Jae, risk anything for Jae. It’s stupid, really, absolutely foolish of him to even think about sacrificing years of work, but he’s so in that it feels like nothing else matters. Brian’s ready to go all in, and Jae has no idea. 

He pays for the coffee and says goodbye with a wave to the ahjusshi, setting off once again with no real direction. At this point he’s pretty much trying to kill time, giving everyone at home time to settle down and sleep so he can avoid human contact even after he returns. 

Brian thinks about the possibility of confronting Jae, and he shudders. He and Jae have had a total of one truly honest conversation involving feelings, and that got him to where he is now. If he still thought Jae hated him, maybe Brian wouldn’t feel like this. No—he knows he wouldn’t feel like this. Because when you know someone hates you, it’s easy to tamp down your own feelings with a simple “never gonna happen.” But now that they’re friends, Brian feels like he’s in limbo and it’s just getting harder and harder to tell his heart “no.” 

His limbs are starting to realize their exhaustion despite the caffeine, and Brian looks for a place to stop. There’s a bench a ways down, in front of a small patch of grass and some trees he thinks is meant to be a neighborhood park. He sits with legs crossed, looking for something he can’t identify. An answer maybe, some solace he doubts he can find in the apartment buildings and restaurants surrounding him on all sides. 

The buildings tell him nothing, just sit in silence until Brian decides that he’s going to have to deal with this problem on his own. 

By the time he heads back, night has fallen, and the streetlamps give the city around him an eerie glow. The apartment complex is quiet as he enters, and when he finally gets back to their dorm there’s only the soft hum of a late night cartoon, Dowoon asleep on the couch as it plays. Brian shuts it off, taking the blanket off the arm of the couch to cover the maknae with it before he heads to his own room. 

He breathes a soft sigh of relief when he enters and the lights are off, Jae splayed out on his bed, one arm dangling over the side and breathing made heavy with sleep. Brian gets ready as quickly and quietly as he can before heading to bed, but even once he’s in his bunk he can’t quite stop himself from looking at Jae.

The tips of his slender fingers are nearly brushing the floor, and Brian follows the line of his bare arm all the way up, drinking in everything he sees. Jae’s cheek is smushed against the pillow and his lips are parted, wrinkles forming in his brow as he sleeps. Brian has the urge to wake him up from whatever bad dream he might be having, but he resists. He’s fine, Brian tells himself. He doesn’t need me. 

That’s what Brian repeats to himself as he turns to face the wall, his own version of a lullabye: forget about him. He doesn’t need you. 

+

Avoiding Jae is hard when they live and work together, but somehow Brian manages. When he can leave practice during breaks he does, listening to the sound of Dowoon and Wonpil starting to tease Sungjin as the door to the practice room shuts behind them. He more than makes up for any lost time though, because he insists on staying late for more bass lessons or individual practice, keeping the lights on in the studio almost 24/7. He writes three new songs, or at least the skeletons of them, within the span of four days, which is crazy to think about but he does it because it keeps him out of the dorm. Well, that and the fact that it’s his job and all. But the job comes second to avoidance on his list of priorities at the moment. 

Brian would like to think that worked for at least a week, though he began to sense that Jae knew something was off after only the third day. Jae doesn’t _say_ anything, but he keeps looking at Brian like he’s expecting something—what that might be, Brian doesn’t know, but he also knows that no matter what it is, he won’t be fulfilling those expectations. Jae sleeps earlier too; usually he’s up just as late as Brian, but now he’s in bed long before Brian even thinks about coming home. (Brian only knows this because Wonpil sends him passive aggressive texts about it, but anything is better than having to face Jae.) 

But like everything else since the day Brian first met Jae, things go awry. Brian can’t weasel himself out of a group dinner and at the last second Wonpil very loudly insists on sitting next to Dowoon, leaving Brian and Jae pressed together on the vinyl bench of a too-small booth. 

The tension doesn’t break all through dinner. Brian can tell that Jae is trying to not touch him, holding his chopsticks so that their elbows don’t brush and crossing his legs to keep as much distance between them as possible. Brian knows this should be what he wants, because that’s the exact same thing he’s been doing to Jae, but still. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. 

Jae keeps himself busy, chatting with Sungjin about the album they’re working on and the game that both of them are both really into, leaving Brian to eat in silence. It works for him, but he can’t help but feel an ache in his chest as he watches his members carry on without him. 

As soon as they pay the bill, Jae slides out of the booth without even a cursory glance back at Brian, long legs easily carrying him to the front of their little group as they make their way out to the street to walk home. Brian hangs back, already preparing himself to walk home in silence, but then Wonpil and Dowoon are on either side of him, shoulders digging into Brian’s arms.

“Hyung,” Wonpil starts, and Brian has to hold back a sigh. “Why are you so sad?”

“I’m not sad,” he replies, already annoyed. He shoots Wonpil a scowl, but that seems to do absolutely nothing. 

“Don’t lie,” Wonpil says, and now Brian can’t help but sigh. “You look sad and you act sad, the only explanation is that you’re sad. Now if you would tell your teammates about why you’re sad, then maybe we could help you.”

“I’m not sad,” Brian insists, squeezing his way out from between them so he can walk ahead of them, despite his short legs. “Go bother Sungjin with your questions.”

Wonpil whines something unintelligible behind Brian’s back, and Brian can hear the low murmur of Dowoon’s voice as he undoubtedly comforts his hyung. Brian finds himself feeling envious for a moment—Dowoon and Wonpil have always been close, and for a half second Brian pities himself for not having someone like that in their team. 

Then he thinks about how that person is probably meant to be Jae, and he doesn’t feel envious anymore.

Thankfully the younger members seem to take him seriously, because they leave Brian alone the rest of the way home. Everyone splits up when they get to the dorm, all going off to do their own thing except for Jae and Brian. Jae heads for their bedroom first, and Brian only hesitates a moment before following. He’s not sure why his need to avoid has been weakened, but at least dinner proved that they can coexist in awkward silence (if nothing else). 

When he opens the door, Jae’s standing facing their window, halfway through tugging his shirt over his head to change.

“Sorry,” Brian blurts, a reflex that’s returned after barely seeing Jae for days on end. 

“‘S fine,” Jae replies, tossing his shirt on the floor as he turns to grab a hoodie from the dresser. Brian averts his eyes because something about it just feels _wrong_ , and Jae notices, because he laughs. It’s hollow and bitter, nothing like the loud, boisterous giggles that Brian’s used to hearing from him.

“Actually,” Jae starts, and that’s when Brian knows he’s in for it. “It’s not fine. Fuck you, man.”

Brian’s at a loss for a moment, entirely unsure as to how he’s supposed to reply. Luckily, Jae doesn’t really give him a chance to, turning his back on Brian once again with a shake of his head.

“I’m sorry,” Brian tries weakly, wincing at how apathetic he sounds. 

“What are you sorry for?” Jae turns back, raking his hair back with one hand as he fixes the collar of his hoodie. “Do you even know?”

“Yes,” Brian says, a little more confidently this time. At least he knows that he’s been an asshole, even if that’s about all he’s got going for him right now. “I’ve been ignoring you. It’s a dick thing to do, and I’m sorry.” Though that doesn’t placate Jae in the slightest, admitting his own guilt lifts a bit of the weight off of Brian’s chest. 

“It is,” Jae agrees, clearly still unimpressed by Brian’s apology. Brian can’t blame him in the slightest. “And you know what fucking sucks? I don’t even know what I did.”

Brian presses his lips together, thinking for a moment. “It’s nothing you did,” is what he says, but _it’s me, it’s all me,_ is what he thinks.

“Isn’t it though? Because it looks to me like we actually fucked because I asked you, and then immediately after I’m no longer worthy of your time.” Jae crosses his arms over his chest, standing up as straight as he can, but Brian can see his resolve breaking through the anger. When Brian doesn’t say anything, Jae speaks again. “Was I not what you wanted? Did I not live up to expectations? Tell me, Brian, because I really don’t know what to think right now.”

“No, that’s not—” Brian starts, cutting himself off in frustration. He takes a deep inhale, trying to figure out what exactly he can say that means _you were perfect and I’m in love with you_. “That’s not it. At all,” he continues, keeping his voice as firm as he can. “I said I wanted to and I did, so just. Don’t think that I didn’t want you. That I don’t want you.” His voice goes soft at the end, and Brian feels like he’s betrayed himself in admitting that. Jae finds some comfort in it, though, because he visibly relaxes, though his arms stay crossed. 

“That still doesn’t answer why,” he points out, and the relative softness of his voice compared to the earlier anger is what breaks Brian. 

“It was too much,” he blurts, and Jae’s face flashes from hurt to guarded in a split second. “No—” Brian says immediately, trying his best to do damage control without sounding like a complete ass. “That’s not what I meant. It was good, it was just too much for me to—” He stops again, growing more frustrated by the second because he’s a goddamn lyricist by profession but right now the words aren’t coming out the way he needs them to. Jae just looks at him expectantly, and Brian gathers himself again. Deep inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth. One, two, confess. “I have feelings for you,” he says, and the weight that lifted earlier is nothing compared to how he feels after he says this. “Like actual, more than friends, more than fuckbuddies feelings. And before I could keep it to myself, I could ignore it but after—after that, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. So I ignored you. And I’m sorry, but just. That’s why.” Brian feels his shoulders sag, and out of impulse he reaches out for the edge of the desk to steady his weight on. This entire conversation has gone the exact opposite of what he had in mind for the night, and Brian knows that should stress him out but somehow it doesn’t. He’s free. The secret he’s been keeping for years is out and no matter what happens next, no matter how Jae reacts, he doesn’t have to carry that burden alone anymore. 

“I think,” Jae begins, arms falling to his sides as he steps forward, towards Brian, “that you’re very stupid. And I want to kiss you. Can I?”

“Uhhhhh,” is all that Brian can say, but he forces his head to nod and then Jae is stepping even closer, toe to toe as his hands wrap around Brian’s waist and then they’re kissing, soft and slow. Brian melts, an audible sigh slipping out as he relaxes, hands grabbing at Jae’s forearms, clutching at the sleeves of Jae’s hoodie. 

When they pull apart Brian’s faced with Jae’s expression up close, and he suddenly feels like he can’t breathe anymore.

“You’re really stupid,” Jae repeats, and Brian has to laugh, feeling just a bit delirious. “You’re really stupid because somehow you didn’t get the message that I fucking like you too, dumbass.”

“How was I—” Brian starts, but Jae cuts him off.

“I asked you to kiss me. That night, after the club, I asked you to kiss me. That’s when I knew I liked you, and I thought that any reasonable person would get that.”

“Clearly I’m not just any reasonable person,” Brian answers without thinking, and that makes Jae laugh, the sound echoing in Brian’s ears like the ringing of church bells. 

“Clearly,” Jae says, right before he steals another kiss. 

For Brian, it feels like he’s walking on clouds, like everything has finally fallen into place: the music, the career, the person. Everything is just as it should be. Then, something occurs to him.

“Do you think—” he starts, jerking his head in the direction of the living room.

“That everyone just heard us? Oh definitely,” Jae replies with a grin. Brian feels his face flush, and Jae just laughs at him. 

“Tell me one more time,” Brian asks, tugging on the hem of Jae’s sleeve. “I just want to hear it again.”

“I’ll tell you as much as you want. I’ll tell you every damn day,” Jae replies, squeezing at Brian’s waist. “I. Like. You.” He enunciates each syllable, punctuating them with a gentle poke at Brian’s ribs. 

“I like you too,” Brian says back, because that’s all he really can say. But truly, after two years of waiting, what more is there?

Brian doesn’t know how long they stand there, just holding each other in the room they’ve shared ever since their rocky start, but he likes the continuity of it all. This is where they started, this is where they are now, and this is where they’re going to be, for as long as Jae will have him. And if Brian has it his way, that’s going to be a long damn time.

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up on [twitter](https://twitter.com/bribeombot)


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